Day 4

When you are big, even if you tell yourself it doesn't matter, deep down it does. When you have to squeeze past someone in the market, or God forbid through one of those turnstile things, you always ask yourself "Is today the day that I won't make it through?" Then you go on mentally berating yourself for that éclair or order of fries that you really didn't need but you told yourself "Why the heck not? It doesn't matter anymore anyway." And you look around wondering if people are staring at you and if they are what they are thinking. It hurts, even if it is all in your head. That in itself is a scary thought. That you could be projecting your own insecurities on to others. But it is really hard to gauge because you don't even want to make eye contact. So in reality you have know I idea what they are really looking at.

I was thinking today, its almost fair season. Soon our little local carnival will come into town with all of their colorfully lit fast whirling and twirling rides, and I am sad that I can't get on them with my son. Especially when I think back to how great it was when I was a child to get on a ride for the first time and have my mom or dad sitting next to me. But I have something to look forward to because next year I will be able to ride the rides with him and hold him close while the cool night air whips and roars about us and the brightly colored lights blink as though they are cheering us on. This is why I will not give up. This is why I am determined to continue. This mental image and so many more like it are my motivation. This is why until I reach my goal I will work hard and bask in every milestone that I make along this journey.

Today I didn't go for my "power walk" but I did find a dance aerobic video so I did that instead. I'm feeling really good today. I found out that I can fit into two pairs of jeans that a week ago I couldn't breath in. So that was totally awesome. Since I have been doing this I feel better. Not just physically but mentally. I really feel good. So today was a good day.